TonyS Posted December 5, 2014 Report Share Posted December 5, 2014 The scene was the nursing home, as old Doug was nearing his last few breathsHis nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""My son, "Jamie, I want you to take over the offices in the City Centre.""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdingsAs old Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property"............. > wait for it........ Sarah replies, "Property ??? .... the old bugger had a paper round!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyS Posted December 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 For anyone who is ‘retarded’ - and thank you Mandy for looking after us! RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - - - (This was actually reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rovi Posted December 30, 2014 Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 You will not believe this. I took my stepmother into an old folks home today (honest) (Managed to get past the lady on the door) I think they have got a wreck centre as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyS Posted December 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 Sorry to hear that, Ivor. I assume you got past the lady on the door on the way out, as well as the way in? More contributions here please - or are you all ashamed of posting daft jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanW Posted December 30, 2014 Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas, it wasn't her main present.........just a stocking filler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanW Posted December 30, 2014 Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 I went to the doctors last week, "doctor, sometimes when I wake up I feel like a teepee while other times when I wake up and I feel like a wigwam? "Arr...said the doctor, I know that problem" "What is it doctor, is it serious.....?" " Not really, your just two tents (tense)" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanW Posted December 30, 2014 Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well........It's not unusual........." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanW Posted December 30, 2014 Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 A man walks into the doctor's "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sean Barker Posted December 30, 2014 Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 I was about to complain there Alan but that last one saved you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanW Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanW Posted December 31, 2014 Report Share Posted December 31, 2014 I have just decided to run a marathon for charity. At first I didn’t want to do it but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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